THE CONTROL TRAP - Barbara Sullivan

THE CONTROL TRAP
Barbara Sullivan
Bethany House Publishers, 1991

Found this great book in the church office library.
Thought it captured my attention that afternoon, when I was supposed to meet up with Samantha ... when my eyes dropped on this book “THE CONTROL TRAP” by Barbara Sullivan.

Most parts of the book covered a woman’s control in a marriage relationship (whether in home, husband-wife relationship, with the children, etc.) However, found some parts of them relevant to ministry.

So, here are some pointers to remember:

Chapter 8: Shame.
Pg 103 – The core emotion
When Adam & Eve were first placed in the Garden of Eden, they were without shame, without self-consciousness. When they violated the command of God, they experienced guilt, then shame.

Guilt is a sense that comes when we violate the law.
Shame, in contrast, is the sense that we are not good enough that we must ‘cover’ ourselves so that no one else will detect the ‘truth’ about us and dismiss us.

Today, many psychologists believe that shame may be the core emotion from which all other negative ones receive their energy.

Effects of shame:

1. Feeling of being exposed, of having your inner-self revealed to the world and shown to be flawed, unworthy, irredeemably bad. Naked and sinfulness is always parallel throughout the Bible. Rev 3:18 exhorts the Laodiceans to buy from Him “white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness”

   
   There is impulse to cover up and divert attention from the inner self, which has been exposed.
   We learn to hide the real person inside – believing it to be weak, silly, worthy of despising - and to cover it with shows of strength or goodness or rightness.




2. None of them represents our true selves.
   The false self is always more or less than human. The false self may be a perfectionist or a slob, family hero or a family scapegoat. As the false self is formed, the authentic self may go into hiding. Years later the layers of defense and pretense are so intense that one loses all awareness of who one really is.

The most crippling characteristic of shame is that it is a secret emotion. When we hide shame from ourselves, we again fall into the control trap.

Chapter 11: Holding the Purse Strings
Pg 146: Real Security
Women often equate security with the husband’s ability to provide, rather than with her heavenly Father’s desire to care for her.

Chapter 14: The Ultimate Trap
Pg 197
Watchman Nee said that Jesus taught us to pray to our Father in heaven, warning that too often we direct our prayers toward the person for whom we are praying.

“Instead of directing your prayer toward God, you concentrate on your thought, your expectation, and your wish and send them out to your friend as a force. Your prayer is like a bow which shoots your thought, desire and wish as arrows toward your friend. He will be so oppressed by this force that he will do exactly what you have asked for. You may think your prayer is answered. But let me tell you, it is not God who answers your prayer, for you have not prayed to Him.”

And this is the best part of the book, I felt. It shaped my thoughts on roles of women in marriage, in society and in an organization. It puts men at their rightful position again – of leadership.

Chapter 15: Spiritual Roots
Pg 206: The spiritual root of control

Curse of the woman after the fall: “Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you”
Before the fall, God created the woman to be a helper to the man (Gen 2:18). Holy Spirit is also called “the Helper” (John 14:15). We women should consider it an honor to be referred to by the same term as the third Person of the Trinity.

We need to be aware of some snares and guidelines for women in leadership. We know that God used a woman (Deborah)… but as far as I can tell it was the exception, not the rule.

The most obvious pitfall is that a married woman in a leadership position might have a hard time making the switch to being a wife in submission to her husband when she comes home, esp. if she’s used to giving directions to men during the day.

I believe that any woman in leadership, whether in the church or in the business, needs the safe-guard of a protective and trusted male figure. It may be her immediate superior at work, a father, a husband, pastor or close friend, but she should have someone to go to for counsel and talk over her frustrations and questions.

In an interview with Dr Hans Selye, pioneer in the field of stress, he stated: “the more the women’s movement permits women to take what have usually been considered male jobs, the more women are subject to so-called male diseases - often related to stress – such as cardiac infractions, gastric ulcers and hypertension”

Home and family should be a place of peace and restoration – for her as well as her husband and children.